see as i saw

It was a typical Saturday night, which means that I donned my fleece pants and headed a bit north to watch a movie with my favorite Chicago duo.  Since the midwest is still in the midst of this obnoxious cold front, my outdoors time has been a little more limited the past few days.  The sun decided to make a last second appearance in the evening; so, despite the cold, it seemed like a good idea to skip the bus and stretch my legs.

Headphones on, I started the 2.2 mile journey and quickly shifted to analysis mode.  That's pretty standard when I walk.  Well, actually, it's pretty standard 24 hours a day.  My eyes kept shifting around to all of the different people roaming the sidewalks and patronizing the establishments that I was passing.  My mind was taking into consideration the vastly different ways that we all define our urban living style.

Although the majority of us could practically be considered neighbors, based on the proximity of our living quarters, the diversity with which we utilize our surroundings is astounding.  I don't recall feeling this sort of disparity in my more suburban past.  Maybe it has something to do with the less dense population and more scant variety of options out there.  In reality, though, I probably don't keep a much larger consideration set when it comes to urban shopping and dining than I did in suburbia.  Blame it on being a creature of habit, I suppose.  Maybe when I rejoin the ranks of being a paycheck recipient, I'll try to branch out.  Maybe.

After a brief hiatus, I traveled back in time again today...through my journals.  By this point, I'm up to the days after grad school and before employment.  I didn't realize until now that it feels a bit like history repeating itself.  My writing reflects the existence of so many of the same perplexities and worries in 2008 as I'm toiling through in the present day.  A natural sense of restlessness within a life without purpose is equally apparent.  I suppose I just feel lost without a mission.

My words weren't all gloom and doom though; they were surprisingly confident and hopeful.  I knew that I was ready to embark on a challenge and step out of my comfort zone.  I had just gone through a significant life change and gotten myself into fighting shape to take on something unknown.  Oddly, that's precisely how I'm feeling now, only the particularly life change was a whole different animal.

The thing that struck me the most, though, is that I realized during my job hunt over three years ago that I had no idea what I was passionate about.  I'm still trying to find out what I really want to do, instead of just taking on something that I can do.  To quote my 24 year old self:

"Sometimes I feel like I'm floundering because I'm trying to go in the wrong direction.  Maybe I'm trying to follow a heuristic to get to the next phase in my life when I should be taking the scenic route.  Maybe I'm trying too hard to be in the box, when what I really want is sitting outside the box."

True story: I had no idea there was a squirrel in this photo until ten minutes ago when I opened it.  I didn't have the heart to crop him out.  And I hadn't even intended this to be today's photo, but he just deserved to be featured after he crept into the frame with such stealth mode.

In addition to my miles of daily legwork, wandering around the city, I took some other steps today that were a bit more metaphorical.  Three hours of sifting and bookmarking resulted in twelve "opportunities" to take into consideration.  The quotation marks seem necessary, because none of them are options that made me stand up, throw my arms in the air, and yell, "YES!".  That said, they are a collection of part-time office coordinator jobs, freelance writing assignments, and even a six-month copywriting gig in Peru (targeted more toward recent college grads, but hey).  They are all things that could bring in some dough, help me narrow my focus and direction, but not necessarily require a commitment.  Next step, actually tossing out résumés and seeing if anything sticks.

In theory, and from an outside perspective, it can seem rather ideal that I spend my days without being saddled by the responsibility of a job.  Past entries attest to the fact that I've fully appreciated the ability to spend quality time with the spring weather.  That doesn't mean my life is all sunshine and long walks on the beach, though.  I am, after all, on a larger mission to determine the next steps in my life's direction.  (Unfortunately, my bank account is not bottomless.)  So, there are days when reality settles in the pit of my stomach and I wonder what I'm doing, how I got here, and if I'm ever going to feel like I'm moving forward.  It gets lonely and frustrating.  While I'm thankful to have the ability to take a step back from life and realign, I'll also be thankful when something sparks my ambition and sets me back into a forward trajectory.

Funks happen.  Today was one of those days.  The goal is to not let them own me and get in my head.  Even though my confidence and determination were feeling a little cracked today, tomorrow is a new day.  I'll wake up and try again.

In a world with no income, you do what you have to do.  For me, that includes giving yoga a second chance.  To be fair, I didn't give it much of a real first chance; it was more like I skeptically tuned into OnDemand yoga workouts via my cable provider.  I found them mundane and generally ended up just lying on the floor for several minutes before pushing the stop button.  But, I'm intent on a healthy mind and body, so when I saw a free yoga class hosted locally...I had to give it a shot.

To be blatantly honest, I still didn't really like it.  My body doesn't have a natural inclination to move the way that yoga wants it to, and the holding poses thing still does not hold my attention.  I must admit, though, that I loved the last 5-10 minutes of class where you just lay on the mat, release the tension from your body, and sink into serenity.  Perhaps I'll give it another go, since it's free.  I do see how it can be good for my body; I'm just not sure I have the patience to keep at it until I get better.  What I really miss in my life is TurboKick.  Those classes have price tags above my means right now.

Even though the weather has been knocked down a notch or two, the earth still continues to bloom and the sun appears more often than it has since I set foot back in the U.S.  So, I'm pretty satisfied.  The itch for a purpose is starting to set in though...

Since Adam Levine is on the TV screen in front of me as I type (making focus difficult), Maroon 5 lyrics containing the word "arch" couldn't help but flow through my brain.  On another, and completely divergent, topic - who turned off the heat outside?  I had to bust out the fleece again today.  I would say that seems completely illogical after wearing a swimsuit only a week ago, but this is the midwest after all.  Expect the unexpected when it comes to weather.

I'm getting closer to running out of cleaning and organization projects, which makes me begin to wonder what I'll do with my jobless time during the day.  I'll be helping my mom out with a few tasks for her side business, while she digs into that tiring intro process in her new job.  But I need a project, something to chip away at for myself.  Although I'm giving this blog my daily attention, I have another blog project that I've picked up and dropped multiple times over the past couple of years.  So, I'm thinking about bringing "Break It Down" out of retirement again.  Things to ponder.

Since the renouncement of my unlimited monthly rides CTA pass, I've been sticking pretty close to home most days.  Most things outside of two miles from my front door don't warrant a visit.  This has been standard operating procedure for just over a month; I keep waiting to run out of photo inspiration, especially since I've been walking these same areas for three years.  Perhaps my eyes are just a bit sharper these days, but there seems to be no end to interesting shapes, colors, textures and juxtapositions.  When the summer weather becomes a little more dependable, I'll consider braving the Chicago streets on my bike and expanding my exploration radius.

More rain and fog.  I spent most of today on yet another micro cleaning and organization project (it feels much less overwhelming in bits and pieces).  My mission was to attack the smaller of my two closets.  I have a tendency to save shopping bags for reuse, because it makes me feel a little kinder to the environment.  Unfortunately, I can't possibly come up with enough needs for the number of bags I accumulated and stowed in that closet.  Suddenly I started feeling a lot less 'green'.  I've been making a half-concerted effort to bring my reusable bags for grocery shopping; it's time to step that up.  Although I'm not really in the market for buying clothes, shoes and personal items, the plan is to avoid bag abundance when I do shop again.

What happened to April showers bring May flowers?  It's only March, and the flowers showed up before the rain.  Although I wasn't about to disagree with the past week's weather, I didn't mind a rainy day.  It gave me some time to get some creative juices flowing.  Plus, I love sitting quietly with the windows open and listening to the rain.  It's so soothing.

Since Mom and Dad are both embarking on new employment journeys right now, and they're all about my homemade cards, I thought I'd send out a little "Congrats" message.  I was kind of digging my office-themed card made from standard supplies I already have.  The text inside was all heartfelt and sappy, so I decided to leave out that image.

If I marked this morning and tonight as points on a graph, the line between them would have a negative slope.  If that's too much math-speak for you, I'll break it down another way:

Morning = Good - Reading in the park, surrounded by the scent of fresh-cut grass.
Night = Painfully Bad - Watching the Spartans get annihilated in the Sweet Sixteen.

So my dreams of watching MSU in the Big Dance have been shattered.  What am I going to do now?  Clearly I'll still watch the tournament, but without a team to get behind or a viable bracket to rally for...I feel lost.  I may or may not have been driven to emotionally eat 2/3 of a package of cookies following the game.  Sigh.

I wish I could bottle the city as it looks, feels and smells today.  Then I'd have this little package of bliss to release on a bad day and remind me of how amazing the natural world can make me feel.  The going was a little rough when I first returned from Costa Rica.  I couldn't fathom why I should possibly exist in the drab, gray world when there was equatorial beauty sitting in wait for me.  This past week in Chicago reminded me why I haven't plotted a permanent escape from a world with changing seasons.  Witnessing the transition from dormant to blooming creates exponentially more awe and appreciation for me than an "always on" outdoor environment.

It's a veritable treat for my senses.  Color returns to the world; even the sky shifts from it's wintertime steel blue to a softer cerulean.  The sounds of birds chirping and leaves rustling in the breeze drift through my open windows.  The aromatics of spring flora waft through the air.  Sunlight and warmth wrap you in their long-awaited goodness.  And maybe it's just the increased levels of serotonin in my brain, but even food tastes better.  My mouth starts to water at the prospect of fresh fruit or grilled meat.

The inspiration coursing through me was so strong that I literally stopped in the middle of a sidewalk, perched on a curb, and put this all in writing.  One small, counterproductive side effect of all the splendor - it erodes my motivation to return to the status of gainfully employed.  It's difficult to conceive of locking myself back into labor when all of this is at my fingertips.

Once upon time, my friend was in the homestretch of his twenties.  He used to describe himself throughout these years as "abstractly approaching 30".  At the time, I was freshly 21 and brushed off the concept of feeling old while you're still in your twenties.  There came a day when I hit that hidden threshold and found snapshots in time where I just feel plain old.  Now that I'm 28, I'm also adopting the terminology.  As of this first day of spring in 2012, I'm abstractly approaching 30.

Although my standard is one photo a day, I felt the need to make today a condensed, visual journey of how an unemployed urban dweller spends their birthday in unseasonably warm weather.  Is it anything mindblowing?  Not at all.  I would say, hands down, that it was the most relaxing and enjoyable birthday I remember having...probably ever.  

My morning started with reading in bed, followed by a self-made french toast breakfast.  A shout-out to Starbucks for providing me with a free iced mocha to enjoy while I walked to DSW, where I bought myself a small birthday present of new summer sandals (and thanks to a coupon, a free package of athletic socks).  Then I spent three hours soaking up the sun at the lake, alternating between reading, napping and people watching.  Usually I wear a winter jacket on my birthday, or carry an umbrella in best case scenarios; today I wore my swimsuit.  The icing on the cake (pun intended) was a ringing in 28 in company of the people that Chicago has made near and dear to me.

Over the years, I have spent a lot of effort not allowing myself to attribute meaning to birthdays.  There were too many of them that underwhelmed expectations.  I can honestly say that the past two years, in all of their simplicity, have chipped away at my skepticism.  There are good people surrounding me and I've realized that my birthday only highlights that, helping me remember to be thankful.  So, the 28th birthday is in the books and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm heading into a new year with optimism and anticipation.

Besides my standard daily walk, today was devoted to something that may not sound like much of an activity.  In reality, I enjoyed the undertaking.  Hours were spent wandering through stores - a standard grocery store, a dollar store, a crafts store, Target, Whole Foods, and a coffee bean shop.  I did buy some staple food items, along with fruit and coffee.  Otherwise, I was simply seeking to fill my head with knowledge and inspiration: knowledge about grocery stock and pricing, inspiration for DIY projects and creations.

I seem to spend a lot of my time during the day dreaming up projects that I can complete for my own home or as gifts for other people.  One issue...I don't have an income, so I don't feel as though I can sink money into these ideas.  This has made me think about the fine balance that I need to strike.  A job will provide me with the paycheck to delve into the things that really make me tick.  That job needs to be something that remains within the confines of office hours, so it doesn't sap the energy and motivation needed to attack my outside interests.  Moral of the story: I'm going to approach this job hunt less focused on the job title and more attuned to the job environment.

That was an intense four days of March Madness and zombies (unrelated to one another, of course).  I am guilty of enjoying no more than two hours per day of the amazing pseudo-summer weather due to my NCAA hoops addiction.  Fortunately, I have until Thursday to regroup my sanity, turn one year older, and get outdoors.

What I have noticed during my daily walks is how quickly the landscape is starting to evolve.  What were once barren branches have already segued from buds to blooms within the past five days.  I've mentally earmarked so many places that I want to return to for photos when the brown and gray casts have disappeared.  The likelihood of me remembering all of those locales is slim to none, but they're all within the neighborhood.  I'm bound to pass them again.

I've been back in the U.S. for a month now; time is still managing to fly by, even though I'm not quite sure what I've been doing to occupy myself.  I continue to explore and learn about myself, uncovering what I want out of life and contemplating which direction to go in search of it.  When I made this decision to throw my world into a different gear, I was open-minded to the journey.  There is no way that I thought there was this much to learn and untangle in my mind though.  Despite not knowing what my final destination is or when I'll get there, I feel calm and assured that what I'm doing is for the best.

On this particular Saturday in Chicago, there are generally two annual activities people partake in: watching the river get dyed green and drinking heavily from the morning hours and beyond.  I choose to forge my own path.  Instead of standing in hordes watching a river, I ran along the lakeshore.  Then I sunk into the comfort of my own couch to watch some more March Madness.  That's more my style of a March holiday.  Instead of spending half of a paycheck drinking green beer, I used a coupon and helped myself to some Jamba Juice.

So, maybe it makes me the minority, more like a resident of a retirement community than Chicago.  Luckily I have friends that share in this view of a relaxed Saturday sans drunken debauchery.  Since I do have a bit of Irish heritage, allow me to wish you a Happy excuse-to-get-wasted-regardless-of-ancestry day!  I would say that I had just as much fun as anyone in the bars, while I spent less than $5 and won't drag through Sunday sporting a hangover.

The standard term used is double entendre, but let's just call today's title a quadruple entendre.  1.) It's springtime, so green is reappearing in our landscape.  Finally.  2.) Clearly the color palette of my photo is green on green.  3.) MSU basketball is taking the court tonight...and hopefully several more times over the coming weeks.  GO GREEN!  4.) Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day and Americans love to associate that with green.

I'm proud of myself for getting out and wandering around random residential streets in Old Town this morning.  It made me feel slightly less guilty for spending another beautiful day in front of March Madness in HD.

As I've been walking or biking over the past week, there is one thing that I keep wondering: Why are all of these other people traipsing around outdoors in the middle of a weekday?  I expected an array of mom's and strollers, some elderly folks and college kids, but the density of humanity engaging in midday leisure astounded me.  I was thinking about staging an informal anthropological study.  I want to know if these people have some super secret, amazing job...or if they're just unemployed like me.

So, you're thinking to yourself, "This is clearly not Lauren's most awe-inspiring photo."  I'm agreeing with you.  However, it does properly convey how I spent my day.  There are some things that can come between me and prematurely beautiful spring weather; March Madness is one of those things.  My day was inspired by NCAA basketball, therefore my lens was too.

My afternoon was a pretty successful one, as brackets go.  I took my first hit tonight, due to a game where I ignored my gut.  I think there are a couple more still to come tonight.  At the end of the day, what it really boils down to is that Champion circle in the center.  Call me biased, but I have the Spartans taking it all the way to the end of the Big Dance.  I think they have a fighting chance to bring those New Orleans hardwoods back to East Lansing. Their journey begins at 8:20pm tomorrow; you'll find me talking back to the TV and biting my nails.  Who needs St. Patrick's Day drunk-fest when you can have a March Madness weekend.

If you were unlucky enough to live in the Midwest and be employed today, sorry about that.  I spent the day taking a bike ride and reading at the beach.  The sun and the warmth were perfection, but the wind caused some unfortunate side effects on the beach.  I suppose that I at least left more exfoliated than I arrived...still working on getting the sand out of my left eye though.

So far, in 2012, I have worn a swimsuit at least once in each month.  Granted, in January and February I was in Costa Rica.  I think it should be duly noted that in March, though, I was in Chicago.  Hoping to keep that streak alive in April.  Also, I couldn't help but tentatively dip my toes in the water.  It was precisely as cold as you would assume.  I'll wait a little longer before diving in.

Good thing I spent my whole day absorbing the great outdoors, because tomorrow it will be all screens tuned to March Madness...TV and two laptops.  For now, I need to go fine-tune my bracket.

Yup, I'm doing a triathlon.  Kidding, clearly kidding.  I'd get kicked in the head during the swimming portion and drown, which would be rather an impediment to crossing the finish line.  I did, however, walk to this bike rack through which you can see the lake...so my title isn't all that misleading.

I love to see the sun shining, the grass regaining its green hue, and the water sparkling blue.  Tomorrow's forecast calls for mid to high seventies.  Dare we call it a beach day prematurely?

Trips to Michigan seem almost incomplete somehow without a trip to the lake.  I realize that this same lake exists a mere seven minute walk from my apartment in Chicago, but it's not nearly the same.  The water is murkier around here and the beach can easily evoke an overgrown frat party vibe.  The bias may also be heavily influenced by the fact that my childhood summers were largely spent on the shores of Lake Michigan, the shores located in Michigan.  Maybe it's the lighthouses and the sandy bluffs, or the lack of LSD traffic noise and feeling like someone is practically sitting on your towel with you...for some reason the tranquility only washes over me in the western Michigan portion of my favorite Great Lake.

The two concert weekend has come to an end.  Neither man disappointed, but Gavin DeGraw edged out Matt Nathanson just a little bit for two reasons: 1) I just saw Matt perform in October; I haven't seen Gavin in nearly three years. 2) Gavin delivered my favorite song in the perfect package, just him and his piano.  Although I realize it's more common to take photos of the actual artist on stage at a concert, my personal aesthetic is not generally that literal.  Instead, I was drawn to the variations of stage lights around the venue.  So, I bring you a sort of bokeh effect lighting shot from tonight's show.

I'm looking forward to following up this musical weekend with many weekdays of amazing spring weather...and the start of MARCH MADNESS!  So proud to be a Spartan (with a #1 seed in the tourney!) and I can't wait for the nearly heart attack-inducing games to come.

This is one of those days where the thing that caught my eye may leave you scratching your head.  This is, in fact, a piece of pink duct tape adhered to an asphalt walkway.  There's something about contrasts that makes me stop, contemplate and sometimes take a photo.

I would've opted to represent my day with its true highlight, watching Matt Nathanson swing his hips on stage.  Unfortunately, the couple making a sexual scene in front of me throughout the show served as a bit of a blockade.  Fortunately, I will be returning to the same venue on Sunday for a little musical love from Gavin DeGraw.  I'll working on securing a better vantage point for the purposes of more interesting photos.

It always feels like stepping into a different reality when I spend extended time in any city outside of Chicago.  Even though Grand Rapids is no stranger to me, I still get caught off-guard by how different the environment feels...the architecture, the pace, the social scene.  Perhaps my travel mentality just kicks in every time I leave my bubble now.

The temperature may have dropped twenty degrees since yesterday, but it was still decent wandering weather.  As I strolled through Lincoln Park (the actual park, not the neighborhood), it turns out that only a handful of baby strollers and dogs agreed with me about the weather.  On a weekday in early March, the fields and courts are devoid of action.  Since there was nothing to watch, it seemed fitting to take photos.  This public stomping grounds for basketballers isn't fancy - no hardwoods or blacktop, nets are torn, paint is fading. That rustic, well-used feeling at center court is what drew my attention though.

Since my return to Chicago, I've become pretty used to the outdoors looking drab.  This was one of the biggest mental departures for me after being constantly surrounded by resplendent color in Central America.  As I walked out of my building's front door this morning, though, my eyes were magnetically drawn to a punch of color on the opposite side of the street.  I rerouted in order to investigate and, sure enough, I witnessed the violet hues of my first spring blooms.

Living in the Midwest my entire life, I know this is no promise of winter's end.  However, it is assurance that spring and natural beauty aren't far off...and those lead into the splendor of Midwestern summers.  As much as I loved the equatorial weather in January and February, my body has a homing instinct for the summer months.  I want nothing more than than the type of summertimes I remember from childhood, adolescence and beyond.