see as i saw

It was a typical Saturday night, which means that I donned my fleece pants and headed a bit north to watch a movie with my favorite Chicago duo.  Since the midwest is still in the midst of this obnoxious cold front, my outdoors time has been a little more limited the past few days.  The sun decided to make a last second appearance in the evening; so, despite the cold, it seemed like a good idea to skip the bus and stretch my legs.

Headphones on, I started the 2.2 mile journey and quickly shifted to analysis mode.  That's pretty standard when I walk.  Well, actually, it's pretty standard 24 hours a day.  My eyes kept shifting around to all of the different people roaming the sidewalks and patronizing the establishments that I was passing.  My mind was taking into consideration the vastly different ways that we all define our urban living style.

Although the majority of us could practically be considered neighbors, based on the proximity of our living quarters, the diversity with which we utilize our surroundings is astounding.  I don't recall feeling this sort of disparity in my more suburban past.  Maybe it has something to do with the less dense population and more scant variety of options out there.  In reality, though, I probably don't keep a much larger consideration set when it comes to urban shopping and dining than I did in suburbia.  Blame it on being a creature of habit, I suppose.  Maybe when I rejoin the ranks of being a paycheck recipient, I'll try to branch out.  Maybe.

After a brief hiatus, I traveled back in time again today...through my journals.  By this point, I'm up to the days after grad school and before employment.  I didn't realize until now that it feels a bit like history repeating itself.  My writing reflects the existence of so many of the same perplexities and worries in 2008 as I'm toiling through in the present day.  A natural sense of restlessness within a life without purpose is equally apparent.  I suppose I just feel lost without a mission.

My words weren't all gloom and doom though; they were surprisingly confident and hopeful.  I knew that I was ready to embark on a challenge and step out of my comfort zone.  I had just gone through a significant life change and gotten myself into fighting shape to take on something unknown.  Oddly, that's precisely how I'm feeling now, only the particularly life change was a whole different animal.

The thing that struck me the most, though, is that I realized during my job hunt over three years ago that I had no idea what I was passionate about.  I'm still trying to find out what I really want to do, instead of just taking on something that I can do.  To quote my 24 year old self:

"Sometimes I feel like I'm floundering because I'm trying to go in the wrong direction.  Maybe I'm trying to follow a heuristic to get to the next phase in my life when I should be taking the scenic route.  Maybe I'm trying too hard to be in the box, when what I really want is sitting outside the box."

True story: I had no idea there was a squirrel in this photo until ten minutes ago when I opened it.  I didn't have the heart to crop him out.  And I hadn't even intended this to be today's photo, but he just deserved to be featured after he crept into the frame with such stealth mode.

In addition to my miles of daily legwork, wandering around the city, I took some other steps today that were a bit more metaphorical.  Three hours of sifting and bookmarking resulted in twelve "opportunities" to take into consideration.  The quotation marks seem necessary, because none of them are options that made me stand up, throw my arms in the air, and yell, "YES!".  That said, they are a collection of part-time office coordinator jobs, freelance writing assignments, and even a six-month copywriting gig in Peru (targeted more toward recent college grads, but hey).  They are all things that could bring in some dough, help me narrow my focus and direction, but not necessarily require a commitment.  Next step, actually tossing out résumés and seeing if anything sticks.

In theory, and from an outside perspective, it can seem rather ideal that I spend my days without being saddled by the responsibility of a job.  Past entries attest to the fact that I've fully appreciated the ability to spend quality time with the spring weather.  That doesn't mean my life is all sunshine and long walks on the beach, though.  I am, after all, on a larger mission to determine the next steps in my life's direction.  (Unfortunately, my bank account is not bottomless.)  So, there are days when reality settles in the pit of my stomach and I wonder what I'm doing, how I got here, and if I'm ever going to feel like I'm moving forward.  It gets lonely and frustrating.  While I'm thankful to have the ability to take a step back from life and realign, I'll also be thankful when something sparks my ambition and sets me back into a forward trajectory.

Funks happen.  Today was one of those days.  The goal is to not let them own me and get in my head.  Even though my confidence and determination were feeling a little cracked today, tomorrow is a new day.  I'll wake up and try again.

In a world with no income, you do what you have to do.  For me, that includes giving yoga a second chance.  To be fair, I didn't give it much of a real first chance; it was more like I skeptically tuned into OnDemand yoga workouts via my cable provider.  I found them mundane and generally ended up just lying on the floor for several minutes before pushing the stop button.  But, I'm intent on a healthy mind and body, so when I saw a free yoga class hosted locally...I had to give it a shot.

To be blatantly honest, I still didn't really like it.  My body doesn't have a natural inclination to move the way that yoga wants it to, and the holding poses thing still does not hold my attention.  I must admit, though, that I loved the last 5-10 minutes of class where you just lay on the mat, release the tension from your body, and sink into serenity.  Perhaps I'll give it another go, since it's free.  I do see how it can be good for my body; I'm just not sure I have the patience to keep at it until I get better.  What I really miss in my life is TurboKick.  Those classes have price tags above my means right now.

Even though the weather has been knocked down a notch or two, the earth still continues to bloom and the sun appears more often than it has since I set foot back in the U.S.  So, I'm pretty satisfied.  The itch for a purpose is starting to set in though...

Since Adam Levine is on the TV screen in front of me as I type (making focus difficult), Maroon 5 lyrics containing the word "arch" couldn't help but flow through my brain.  On another, and completely divergent, topic - who turned off the heat outside?  I had to bust out the fleece again today.  I would say that seems completely illogical after wearing a swimsuit only a week ago, but this is the midwest after all.  Expect the unexpected when it comes to weather.

I'm getting closer to running out of cleaning and organization projects, which makes me begin to wonder what I'll do with my jobless time during the day.  I'll be helping my mom out with a few tasks for her side business, while she digs into that tiring intro process in her new job.  But I need a project, something to chip away at for myself.  Although I'm giving this blog my daily attention, I have another blog project that I've picked up and dropped multiple times over the past couple of years.  So, I'm thinking about bringing "Break It Down" out of retirement again.  Things to ponder.

Since the renouncement of my unlimited monthly rides CTA pass, I've been sticking pretty close to home most days.  Most things outside of two miles from my front door don't warrant a visit.  This has been standard operating procedure for just over a month; I keep waiting to run out of photo inspiration, especially since I've been walking these same areas for three years.  Perhaps my eyes are just a bit sharper these days, but there seems to be no end to interesting shapes, colors, textures and juxtapositions.  When the summer weather becomes a little more dependable, I'll consider braving the Chicago streets on my bike and expanding my exploration radius.