see as i saw

Sometimes there isn't much on my mind, believe it or not.  Today is one of those days.  I made it as far as the entry way after work, put on my pajamas, and settled into the couch.  Despite the voices in my head telling me to work out or work on something, I lounged, chilled, vegetated, whatever verb you'd like to use.

My greatest use of contemplative energy was how to use the five days of paid time off that I have this year, when I'm not going anywhere.  We have to supply our requests so that the managers can ensure coverage during the holidays.  So maybe I'll take off December 26 and a few random Fridays.  I'm horrible at using time off if I don't have plans to leave the country; next year's days are already numbered and accounted for.

So I guess I'll end on this note.  Today I'm thankful for the abundance in my life that I often take for granted.  Such as the fact that having more vacation days than I do plans is a problem.  Or that my company is funding lunches for the entire company from Monday through Thursday during the fourth quarter, so that we can remain focused.

The days are getting shorter and I'm spending most of the daylight hours in an office.  Therefore, photos have a tendency to fall into sunrise, dusk, or dark these days.  Today brings you an ominous reminder of how things look in the impending month of November, generally my least favorite of the year.  It's the month where the Midwest proves to me that sunny and 70 really is a pipe dream.

To offset the dreariness, I always have to keep my eye on a prize.  Prize = travel.  I think I've figured out how to use some well-played Monday holidays and squeeze three trips into one year.  So I guess I have my eye on three prizes.  Good thing I'm an excellent multi-tasker.

In the doldrums of winter, early 2013, it'll be time for some much needed maxin' and relaxin' during a long, sunny Puerto Rican weekend....and maybe just a dash of off the beaten path adventure thrown in.  September has long been earmarked for Croatia, a solid nine or ten day traipsing about the country.  And since I have my heart set on Ecuador, I finagled a spot for it during a week including Memorial Day.  There's nothing tentative about these plans, I'm committed.

If I can manage to fit in all of those plans and still save money, I'm thinking that it's time to start a fund for eventual property ownership in Central or South America.  For some reason, I feel more motivated to make an investment of the getaway caliber than buy a home in the U.S.  Maybe I watched too many episodes of House Hunters International.

There has been more than one occasion in 2012 when I pondered removing myself from this American lifestyle.  The contrasts that I observed in my surroundings, and myself, when removed from the rat race seemed worthwhile.  But I never gave into the urge, because there was always another force at the work, an emotional tug of war.

Certain things about this American life had too strong of a grip on me.  It wasn't a smartphone, a car, or even this much loved MacBook Air.  It certainly wasn't reality TV.  Instead, it was the carefully accumulated core of people that help imbue my life with meaning.  Sure, I could meet new people anywhere I go.  At the end of the day though, it turns out that my core contains the people that I want to share my days with.

My simpler days already feel like a different lifetime ago.  Things have changed so drastically in six weeks.  That's not to say the current situation is bad, just requiring adjustment.  But tonight I felt so reassured in the decisions that I've made.

So, I'm not living 'la pura vida' in Costa Rica.  But I am able to spend nights with people who don't think I'm crazy for considering it.  Moreover, they understand why it was an valid consideration.  At the end of the day, living in an environment that requires balance checks to keep my sanity in check is actually a worthwhile trade for having the right people in my life   Now, assuming everyone wanted to pick up and relocate to a sleepy, Central American beach town...I wouldn't have to be convinced.

As I get older, I find myself becoming more and less risk averse.  No, I didn't mean to say "more or less" and, no, that is not circular logic.  Fears operate on a sliding scale.  The manner in which you commence through life stages and events dictates whether your levels rise or fall.

I've always been independent, but I find that willingness to court risks in this arena is high across the board.  Clearly I'm more than happy to travel outside of my comfort zone, whether it's domestic, international, or merely a new neighborhood in Chicago.  Going alone no longer phases me.  I got in some good test drives while traveling for business, then sort of went straight for the main event with my solo endeavor in Costa Rica.  And heading out for a long period of time, while not always idea, isn't the end of the world.

That's where the line starts to blur.  Permanent relocation to a new land, domestic or international, makes me more squeamish as I get older.  Starting over takes patience and a lot of effort.  As I start to sink comfortably into the people and places that I know, there's less drive to reinvent my life every few years (something I notoriously yearned for in my college days and early/mid-twenties).

Which leads me to another fear, social fear.  The desire to want to meet new people laced with the fear of imposing your slightly awkward/quirky self on them.  I'm still pretty hopeless in a large social setting dominated by people I don't know.  Therefore, moving to a new city solo is a rather daunting task.  With age, I also find friendship to be a trickier path to forge, because you have to navigate the husband/wife/children inclusions.

In a slightly oxymoronic way, I have checked my fear at the door when it comes to one-on-one interaction with someone I've never met.  There are many instances, especially in 2012, where this new level of openness has been fortuitous and/or valuable.  Maybe those events have piggybacked on one another to mitigate my fear.

Some risks seem to feel augmented with maturity and concern for my health or life.  I'm positive that my average speed limit has decreased over the past ten years.  Alcohol intake is generally mild to moderate.  My nighttime awareness on city streets and public transit is very attuned.  Cheap thrills, like skydiving and roller coasters, seem less appealing and more dangerous.

While other risks just seem to become laughable or negligible.  Trying new foods is unlikely to cause any lasting harm or cost me much, either in monetary or non-monetary terms.  Hence, I've taste-tested sushi twice in the past week.  (Verdict is still out.)  Asking questions turns out to be a pretty common activity that most people don't judge you over.  And trial and error seems to be a much quicker way to mount the learning curve.  As it turns out, the errors are rarely life shattering and people don't begrudge you for them.

There is no doubt in my mind that I am an introvert by nature.  In my various perusings this summer, I've been coming across a fair amount of writing on this topic.  There tends to be an emphasis on extroverted traits in the United States, making them a sort of golden standard - especially in job-related situations.

A perk of being an artsy crafty type having the ability to create without having to go out and purchase.  That comes in handy when the spontaneous urge for creation kicks in.  That's what I encountered this afternoon.

Most of my daily wanderings (or runs) take place within a one mile radius of my apartment.  Multiplying that by seven days a week, you can imagine how many times I've seen everything in this neighborhood.  The new tactic is taking the alleys.  I reserve this activity for daylight hours, to be on the safe side.

It's interesting to see the backs of homes that I've only witnessed from the front or to be perplexed by the creative solutions for maximum parking in limited space.  And although I'm not a trash picker, I am intrigued by trash gawking.  As it is, my window is a vantage point for the trash bins belonging to the row house across the alley.  I can always tell when they're redecorating or one of their kids is a year older.  Maybe that's the urban equivalent to stopping at yard sales?

When I boil this new activity down to it's root cause, though, it's clear that I'm restless.  Taking alleys instead of streets isn't exactly going to satisfy my brain's need for stimulation - not for long, at least.

In my head, I know that ebooks and shopping for standard bound books online are efficient and convenient.  In my heart, I tend to have a difficult time letting go of the bricks and mortar bookstore.  When I know exactly which title I'm trying to buy, Amazon.com is my friend.  When I'm sitting on a CTA bus in traffic, I love that there's a book sitting on my phone's memory card.  But when I want to lose myself in that far-reaching and multi-faceted world of literature, I want to be surrounded by shelves and stacks.

There's no doubt that I judge a book by its cover, as well as it's title and thickness.  After all, there has to be some sort of heuristic employed to keep me from picking every book off the shelf one at a time.  Side note: that doesn't sound like a bad way to spend a day.  For me, the bookstore isn't just a purchasing domain, it's an experience.  The smell of the printed word.  Getting lost in my own world as I peruse a few pages; sometimes that has a tendency to lead to a few chapters.  Hearing the hushed tones of other book mongers around me.

My family used to drive a half hour to the nearest Borders store (may it rest in peace) when I was a kid.  We would all walk in and out of the front door together, but that was the only interaction I would have with them for hours.  There was no sense of urgency in these trips.  We left when the last person was ready to make a purchasing decision.  Until then, you contented yourself with your surroundings.  Clearly that was not an issue for me.  I've had my nose stuck in books for my entire life, and until the past couple of years they weren't digital.  So, yes, I have bookstore nostalgia.  And you'll never find me giving up on stocking my bookshelves.

There are times where taking photos appears completely natural and other times when you can make yourself feel extremely self-conscious.  On the beaches of Costa Rica, there were dozens of people wandering around with cameras in hand.  Taking an afternoon stroll alone through the residential streets of Chicago, you tend to get scrutinized more often.  I have definitely walked past something that piqued my curiosity more than once, because someone was walking near me.  In my head, I'm telling myself that if I stop and take a picture of the flower by that front stoop...the person behind me is going to think I'm some kind of criminal or creeper.

In reality, nine out of ten people are probably just as curious as me.  They want to know what I see that's so interesting.  Last week I stopped, squatted, and contorted myself to get an angle I liked on an expanse of white tulips in front of a row house.  There was a woman walking toward me, but I decided to disregard her.  As she walked by, she simply said, "They certainly are beautiful, aren't they."  She could not have cared less.  Maybe she would've even liked a copy of the photo that I took.

This is a psychological war I've always fought, not just in photographing the streets of Chicago.  I tend to be a play by the rules kind of girl.  Beyond that, I don't like to call attention to myself.  In doing so, I often miss out on opportunity.  So, in a roundabout way, this blog is helping me realize how illogical of a wall I've constructed.  Hopefully, I continue to make progress in knocking it down.  Although, I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from analyzing whether it looks like a I'm casing someone's home before I take a photo.

After a brief hiatus, I traveled back in time again today...through my journals.  By this point, I'm up to the days after grad school and before employment.  I didn't realize until now that it feels a bit like history repeating itself.  My writing reflects the existence of so many of the same perplexities and worries in 2008 as I'm toiling through in the present day.  A natural sense of restlessness within a life without purpose is equally apparent.  I suppose I just feel lost without a mission.

My words weren't all gloom and doom though; they were surprisingly confident and hopeful.  I knew that I was ready to embark on a challenge and step out of my comfort zone.  I had just gone through a significant life change and gotten myself into fighting shape to take on something unknown.  Oddly, that's precisely how I'm feeling now, only the particularly life change was a whole different animal.

The thing that struck me the most, though, is that I realized during my job hunt over three years ago that I had no idea what I was passionate about.  I'm still trying to find out what I really want to do, instead of just taking on something that I can do.  To quote my 24 year old self:

"Sometimes I feel like I'm floundering because I'm trying to go in the wrong direction.  Maybe I'm trying to follow a heuristic to get to the next phase in my life when I should be taking the scenic route.  Maybe I'm trying too hard to be in the box, when what I really want is sitting outside the box."

Since the renouncement of my unlimited monthly rides CTA pass, I've been sticking pretty close to home most days.  Most things outside of two miles from my front door don't warrant a visit.  This has been standard operating procedure for just over a month; I keep waiting to run out of photo inspiration, especially since I've been walking these same areas for three years.  Perhaps my eyes are just a bit sharper these days, but there seems to be no end to interesting shapes, colors, textures and juxtapositions.  When the summer weather becomes a little more dependable, I'll consider braving the Chicago streets on my bike and expanding my exploration radius.

Besides my standard daily walk, today was devoted to something that may not sound like much of an activity.  In reality, I enjoyed the undertaking.  Hours were spent wandering through stores - a standard grocery store, a dollar store, a crafts store, Target, Whole Foods, and a coffee bean shop.  I did buy some staple food items, along with fruit and coffee.  Otherwise, I was simply seeking to fill my head with knowledge and inspiration: knowledge about grocery stock and pricing, inspiration for DIY projects and creations.

I seem to spend a lot of my time during the day dreaming up projects that I can complete for my own home or as gifts for other people.  One issue...I don't have an income, so I don't feel as though I can sink money into these ideas.  This has made me think about the fine balance that I need to strike.  A job will provide me with the paycheck to delve into the things that really make me tick.  That job needs to be something that remains within the confines of office hours, so it doesn't sap the energy and motivation needed to attack my outside interests.  Moral of the story: I'm going to approach this job hunt less focused on the job title and more attuned to the job environment.

The two concert weekend has come to an end.  Neither man disappointed, but Gavin DeGraw edged out Matt Nathanson just a little bit for two reasons: 1) I just saw Matt perform in October; I haven't seen Gavin in nearly three years. 2) Gavin delivered my favorite song in the perfect package, just him and his piano.  Although I realize it's more common to take photos of the actual artist on stage at a concert, my personal aesthetic is not generally that literal.  Instead, I was drawn to the variations of stage lights around the venue.  So, I bring you a sort of bokeh effect lighting shot from tonight's show.

I'm looking forward to following up this musical weekend with many weekdays of amazing spring weather...and the start of MARCH MADNESS!  So proud to be a Spartan (with a #1 seed in the tourney!) and I can't wait for the nearly heart attack-inducing games to come.

This is one of those days where the thing that caught my eye may leave you scratching your head.  This is, in fact, a piece of pink duct tape adhered to an asphalt walkway.  There's something about contrasts that makes me stop, contemplate and sometimes take a photo.

I would've opted to represent my day with its true highlight, watching Matt Nathanson swing his hips on stage.  Unfortunately, the couple making a sexual scene in front of me throughout the show served as a bit of a blockade.  Fortunately, I will be returning to the same venue on Sunday for a little musical love from Gavin DeGraw.  I'll working on securing a better vantage point for the purposes of more interesting photos.

It always feels like stepping into a different reality when I spend extended time in any city outside of Chicago.  Even though Grand Rapids is no stranger to me, I still get caught off-guard by how different the environment feels...the architecture, the pace, the social scene.  Perhaps my travel mentality just kicks in every time I leave my bubble now.