see as i saw

Perhaps thanks to a hybrid of my stress level and the impending winter weather, I've been at odds with public transportation lately.  We've hit that apex in the year when buses start to pass you by, because they're already packed full.  Or every time I'm ready to leave, the next bus is 25 minutes away.  Odds are high, especially on certain routes, that someone will be crazy and someone else will be obnoxious.

I understand the other side of the argument, too.  There are no worries about finding a parking spot. If I've had a few glasses of wine, I don't have to be concerned about how I'll get home.  Dealing with crazy people operating automobiles is generally more threatening than the crazy guy in the next bus seat.

But there are many moments where I just crave the simplicity of jumping in my car, pulling up in front of the store or gym, and heading inside.  Then when I'm ready to leave, my mode of transportation is ready to sweep me away home.  I don't have to wait for it to arrive, it doesn't stop every block.  The few times that I've driven to work, it was amazing how much time was shaved off of my commute.

There may be some added sensitivity in light of the announcement about increased CTA fares in 2013.  My monthly pass is getting hiked up 16% to $100 per month.  That's hefty.  But unless they're also deciding to stop charging for garage parking in the Loop, you'll continue to see me board the bus every workday.

I've been working on coaxing out my inner optimist.  Today marked my most recent experiment.  This year marks the fourth summer that I have spent living in Chicago, which also equates to living through four Air & Water Show weekends.

Although I have never actually attended the show, I'm fully capable of imagining two million bodies crammed into the thin stretch of lakefront land between Oak Street Beach and Fullerton.  And I want no part of that mass of sweaty people.

Since I also live in the vicinity, that overflow reaches my day-to-day life.  The simple act of using a sidewalk becomes a life-endangering pursuit.  The second anyone starts to hear jet thrust, they come to  a complete and abrupt stop in front of you, even in the crosswalks, to look up into the sky.  Thus, I tend to skip town each year on this weekend.

Unfortunately I skipped town last weekend and gas is expensive.  So, instead I've decided to change my mind and behavior, to the extent that I can.

First of all, I've admitted to myself that sitting in my apartment and watching Blue Angels fly-bys is a rather unique experience.  And the sound of jet thrust does bring me back to the absurd number of times that I watched Top Gun in high school, before I knew too much about Tom Cruise.  These guys  do some pretty amazing things and I have to appreciate them for that.

Secondly, I realized that through a simple act known as avoidance, I can remain mostly ignorant to the gawking masses and the inherent frustrations.  Google was helpful in finding me the show times (10am-3pm), so I'll make sure to avoid the streets during that period.  I'll avoid the lakefront at all costs and attempt to make any outdoor movements in a westward direction.

So maybe I'm still not a natural optimist, but I gave up a little ground.  Baby steps.

I don't currently have one of those fancy full-time jobs that all the kids are talking about these days, so I need to set goals and benchmarks for myself in other ways.  Lately it seems to be my personal health and fitness - oh, and searching for jobs.

Since I had such a successful week of exercising and healthy eating (seven days straight), I thought I'd reward myself with some reading at the beach.  If only there was enough sand real estate that I could read without being in range of conversations I'd rather not hear.

What I'm learning about myself is that I need variety to keep things from getting stagnant.  When I try to exercise the same way every day, I eventually stop.  And by eventually, I mean within days.  So last week, I switched it up: running, walking, biking, tennis.

Tomorrow, I'm attempting yoga again.  I know it's supposed to improve your flexibility, but I feel like such a fool doing it with my current limited ability to be pretzel-like.  It's a free class though, so the worst case scenario is a wasted hour of my morning.

Once upon a time, back in the beginning of this journey/experiment of mine, I set a "yes" rule.  The act of saying yes to whatever opportunities and situations presented themselves was supposed to aid me in making discoveries and decisions.  Although I've followed through, I'm realizing that there's a major flaw in my logic.

Much like anything in life, you're likely to miss out on the majority of possibilities if you're waiting for them to come to you.  So, it's great to be open-minded and jump on any train that passes by, but my realm of discovery will remain limited.  If I really want to open up the floodgates of possibility, it requires being proactive.

The new rule requires me to go after things with gusto, even if I'm not 100% sure that I want them.  How often is something going to be a point of no return?  How much harm is it to go full throttle and adjust when I realize it's the wrong direction?  In my opinion, the point of no return in this context is rare.  And the risk of harm is no higher than it was in the career 180 that I pulled in January.

I'm so hot right now that I'm thinking about packing up and moving to northern Canada.  Tonight.  And, yet, I find myself hyperaware of how grateful I am for the air conditioning in my car and my apartment.  There's an extension of the gratitude when I consider that even though I don't have a job, I can still afford to have that car and that apartment.

The initial catalyst for this unconventional journey was to recalibrate and find the life direction that I really wanted.  By life direction, I know that I meant job.  Looking back on the past six months, and taking into consideration that I still don't really have an answer on the job front, I know that it has been more about personal development.

I've always been inside my own head, sometimes to a detrimental extent.  Nearly everything that drifts into my mind is analyzed, correlated and cataloged.  Somehow I let myself believe that this meant I knew myself, that I understood my world.  It amazes me to see how much there is to learn about myself, though.  I've discovered things that I'm far too sensitive about, things that I haven't been nearly appreciative enough about, and things that I've been unnecessarily clinging to.

It's so easy to get caught up in the daily grind, in our patterns, without turning a discerning eye on why we're doing the things we do or if we're on the right track.  Don't get me wrong, this has not been the easiest six months of my life.  I wouldn't call it a joyride by any stretch of the imagination.  In fact, some days it's an uphill battle.  But like any experience in life, I know that this stage is giving me necessary experience to reach the next one.  Sometimes I just get a little anxious for the next stage to arrive.

I thought it might be nice to pay homage to the sunny blue skies before the cold and rain regain their foothold tomorrow.  Luckily, I have a writing gig that demands completion tomorrow.  The forecast promises that I won't have to turn away from my computer screen and look longingly out the window.

There seems to be a slight momentum coming my way as this month wraps up and the next begins.  Whether it's a temporary surge remains to be seen.  In essence, I feel as though I'm on the brink of figuring something out or discovering the crack that leads to an "a-ha!" moment.  I can feel myself (metaphorically) leaning over the edge of a precipice, arm outstretched as far as it can go, just barely shy of reaching that coveted and unknown object.  All it needs is a little push, or perhaps on unorthodox approach to problem solving, to get it into my hands.

Yes, this is all a bit abstract.  Somehow, I just feel like something pivotal will happen soon; I'm ready and waiting to coax it along.