see as i saw

Sometimes I'm intensely dedicated to tasks and projects.  At other times I pretend they don't exist until I've run out of time.  The latter category is where I'd place shopping 99% of the time.  That encompasses clothing, shoes, home goods, groceries, and so forth.  Maybe it's the overstimulation of so many choices between stores and products.  It would make sense with my penchant for list making.

For weeks I've intended to buy skinny black pants to wear with my boots, particularly for a work event that I'm attending tomorrow.  I'm sure you can guess when I decided to go in pursuit of those pants.  If I had a magical, go-to store where I already knew that everything fit me, maybe it would be a different story.  Instead I did a tour of State Street, ended up at Macy's, and bought a pair of pants that I'm not entirely convinced that I like.  But there was no way that I was continuing the shopping charade.

I have no doubt that I am not the only person who suffers from an acute case of procrastination.  (Although, for many, shopping probably doesn't fall in that category.)  I can feel myself doing it when I receive certain emails, perhaps because I have to deliver a negative response or put effort into digging up an answer.  If I let my dishes pile in the sink for more than a day, they're likely to stay there for five.  They become more and more intimidating as time passes.

Books and blogs and supposed experts all have their tips to prevent procrastination, but do you really think there's anyone with a 100% success rate?  Someone who always works steadily through the things that are handed to them, without question?  If I wanted to play with semantics, I could just say that what I'm doing is prioritizing.

Sometimes awareness brings us clarity, lends a solution, or aids in decision-making.  But often awareness just makes us anxious, paranoid, and needlessly focused on things we can't really control.

I think that's why I have an issue with watching the local news.  It only took thirty seconds tonight for me to hear that a Chicago firefighter died of West Nile virus and that meningitis is breaking out in Indiana.  My first thought was, "Thankfully I have health insurance again" (eight months without it, now that's a fun exercise in anxiety).  Then I started to worry a little, thinking about how close to home a freak tragedy, accident or illness can be.

So what's the solution to that?  Stop living my life?  Become a recluse?  Give up the outdoors because I'm afraid of running into an infected mosquito or other contagious humans?

On other days, living in the city and hearing what goes down, the worry has extended to being mugged, shot or getting my car stolen.  Oh, and we haven't even broached how secretly sinister people can be while coming off as well-adjusted members of society.  Which is fine, you get the point (and hopefully I haven't sent you into a spiral of paranoia).

I'm all for erring on the side of caution and analysis in life, but there comes a point where you're better off not looking too closely.  I like vacationing in equatorial countries with rain forests, so I wear bug spray and drink bottled water if I must.  Short of an impenetrable force field, I'm pretty sure that's all I can do short of restricting myself from doing things I love.

Although I sometimes momentarily forget, there is one truth that I continually confirm: I was not born to shop.  At least not when it comes to fashion.  If someone gave me a shopping spree, I'd hope that it was for sporting goods, home furnishings or books.

Is it unusual to have a love/hate relationship with surprises?  When someone utters the phrase "I have a surprise for you", my mind is torn into two reactions.  At my core, I automatically begin worrying that I'll dislike or remain neutral to the surprise.  Since I'm virtually incapable of feigning excitement (a.k.a. lying), I'll end up inadvertently offending the surprise giver.  So before I've even experienced the surprise, I'm preparing how to make amends for my potentially offensive reaction.

Battling with that thought is a penchant to hold out a slender hope that the surprise will be amazing.  My mind starts to run away with possibilities, but my pragmatism always wins out, scratching each idea nearly immediately.  This leaves me with a vague sense of hoping for the best, but planning to be underwhelmed.  Maybe that's my personal mechanism of "under promise, over deliver".

There is a third point on the surprise continuum: the absolute surprise.  The kind that isn't promoted or hinted at beforehand.  It nixes the hang time that allows overanalysis, so the reactions will be truly genuine responses to the unexpected.  Of course, when you're known to process before reacting and are capable of being non-emotive, you still face a potential need to diffuse the situation.

Surprises are stressful.  They just happen to be a little less stressful when you don't preface them.  Yet somehow I'm still in favor of being surprised.  I do have a tendency to smell surprise in the air though, so I'm still waiting on an absolute surprise in my life.

Don't worry if you're confused.  I just wrote all of that and I'm still unsure of my own verdict on surprises.

It's difficult to believe, as I sit on my own couch for the first time in two weeks, that merely five hours ago I was in New York.  As my time wound down, clearly there was no way that I had seen all of the city.  So, Sunday was devoted to a single priority, the Brooklyn Bridge.  Anything else that I fit in would be bonus...I ended up with a lot of bonuses.

First of all, I started my morning with a battle of the bagels.  Yesterday's H&H Bagel versus today's Brooklyn Bagel.  H&H hands down, in case you happen to be in NYC bagel hunting.  I hopped a C train to Brooklyn, leisurely ate a bagel the size of my head on a quiet park bench (you can find those in Brooklyn, I guess), then strolled across the Brooklyn Bridge.
The city views are great, the structure of the bridge itself is amazing, and starting the walk from Brooklyn was genius.  It wasn't until I was nearly into Manhattan again that the glut of tourists was upon me.  By then, I was already done and moving on.

Then it was time to do what I do best, wander.  This is where the bonuses racked up.  I quickly threaded through lower Manhattan, passing the World Trade Center area (obviously packed with tourists) and the financial district (heavily secured, thanks to Occupy).  A mile up Broadway brought me to Canal Street/Chinatown and enterprising folks trying to entice you to follow them for a selection of "Prada, Louis, Gucci".  Not my scene, moving on.

As it happened, the entirety of Little Italy was a giant street festival.  I inched up five blocks, single file, with cannolis, pizzas, and assorted meats staring me in the face.  Tempting, but overwhelming. It felt like time for some R&R and people watching.  Another mile, through SoHo, brought me to Washington Square.
Somehow I managed to get entrenched in an hour and half conversation with the guy on the bench next to me.  It all began when he, a New Yorker, mistakenly assumed me to be a New Yorker as well.  Assimilation took less than two weeks.  From there, we discussed the obvious: college, sports, jobs, favorite places in the city.  And then things got delightfully pretentious, debating the value and classification of modern art.  You know the merits of Renoir versus Pollock, how people mistakenly find Degas' ballerinas beautiful, the richness of the colors in a Seurat.

Alas, it was time to return to the Holiday Inn and retrieve my bags.  The Windy City was calling.  I'm glad to be here, excited to return to life in the Loop tomorrow.  My morning crossover from Brooklyn and my afternoon in Washington Square created a perfect end cap to my NYC adventure though.  (I swear posts will get shorter again as I return to my standard life.)

Instead of going straight to my hotel room after work, I have a tendency to wander.  Today I made my way over to Chelsea Market, which seems to be popular among both the tourist and resident types.  I'm not a huge foodie, but from what I could gather this place is chock full of gourmet and specialty food stands and marketplaces.  I snagged a brownie for a $1.50 and called it a day.

My main interest, per usual, was taking in my surroundings and finding photo ops.  Since the market is housed in a renovated warehouse space, there was definitely a uniquely modern and historic mix of styles.  Ah, yes, contrast.

Many thanks to Yelp for existing and allowing me to find small, hole-in-the-wall joints to buy a NY cheddar grilled cheese and avocado sandwich.  And if my brownie and grilled cheese weren't enough, my hotel bar was offering $4 glasses of pinot noir for happy hour.


So despite being in NYC, where prices can be notoriously high, I managed to piece together a delightful concoction of comfort foods (and drink) for $13.50.  Not too shabby.


Plans are already under way for my Saturday wander.  I'm thinking it will be an Uptown kind of day, since I've really only ever spent time in Midtown or Downtown.

P.S. Despite my NYC love affair, I'm feeling homesick for Chicago.  I miss my friends.  And making my own dinner at home.  And my pillow, I can't wait to get back to my pillow.

 Having a full-time poses a potential to halt some of the practices and routines that I've developed in the past eight months. Conversely, having a job allows me to return to several things that were sacrificed in my sans paycheck days.

One of the missions that I want to focus on adopting permanently is being open-minded. That means trying new things and saying yes to opportunities and possibilities. You never know where a path will lead you or the things you will learn by taking that chance.

Taking this job was a chance, although a calculated one. Spending two weeks in New York, a highly unfamiliar city, is an experience. Going to the US Open, even alone and only for 35 minutes of a match, was an irreplaceable opportunity.

These are considerable 'yes' situations, but they don't eliminate the need to focus on expanding my day-to-day life. In fact, while the big events may be more newsworthy, the tweaks to daily life are forging my character and leading me to the big events.

Today I dipped my toes in the water. (This is an intended pun, are you ready for it?) I tried sushi. When in New York, and the company supplies you with a risk-free catered opportunity, might as well.

Then, of course, there's the common (yet still slightly frightening) concept of injecting myself into situations where I meet new people. Group endeavors still tend to leave me people watching from the outskirts, but I make an effort to incorporate those situations on occasion. What I'm getting better at is one-on-ones, whether it's small talk with a stranger, meeting up with a friend of a friend, or playing tour guide for my brother's boss.

Yes, I managed to fit a month's worth of belongings into a carry-on bag and a personal item in January.  But I was going to Costa Rica, where no one knew or cared if I wore the same swimsuit and shorts every day.  Now I'm attempting to pack within the same restraints for two weeks in New York, including nine days in the office.

Sometimes life hands you everything at once - the good, the bad, the perplexing.  That seems to be how last week started and this week continues.  Family, friends, relationships, work.  I'm acutely aware of each one right now.

So, it's the last day of June.  As blogging goals go, that makes me 50% completed.  (If you want to get technical about it, I'm not quite halfway since there are 182 days in the first six months and 184 days in the next six.)  In some ways, it's unbelievable how quickly half of a year has slipped by.  And some days I'm astounded that I have actually stuck to this goal.  Then I remember how stubborn I can be.

On the flip side, it's also intimidating to think that I have to do this for six more months.  Finding motivation to take photos every day can be challenging; keeping my eyes open for inspiration adds another layer of effort.  Then there's the writing.  Most days, I have little to no idea what I'm going to say until my fingers hit the keys.  It's difficult to fathom that I have 366 days worth of relevant things to say, especially when I allow myself to remember that people are reading this.  No pressure.

Thinking long-term seems taunting and intimidating, and sometimes downright illogical.  So much can change in a week, a day, an instant.  I have always had an issue with that standard job interview question about where you see yourself in five or ten years.  Would I have foreseen the current juncture of my life five years ago?  Not a chance, not even close.  In more ways that blogging, I think I've been focusing too much on that distant long-term future.  Putting pressure on myself to make all of the right decisions now, so that I end up exactly where I want to be somewhere down the road.

It's silly to believe that I have such precise aim.  Instead I need to draw it back in, take life one day at a time.  Put things out in the universe, see which ones stick, and learn from those that don't.  It seems so logical in theory.  Just like blogging though, I'll need to keep myself in check when those long-term thoughts start to rule or motivation flags.

Once upon a time I worked in a building downtown...in a cubicle.  Since I walked away from it four and a half months ago, I have not laid eyes on said building.  Until today.  No, I did not go inside.  I did, however, casually pass a former co-worker in the crosswalk.  We exchanged hellos while he looked at me with a mix of familiarity and confusion.  Similarly to my other occasional trips to the Loop, it felt like an old acquaintance seen through new eyes.  Something that was once a part of my everyday is now relegated to such a minor role.

The itch to buy a dSLR camera has picked its way back to the forefront of my mind.  I'm blaming it on all of the Canons we ran into during the jaunt in Traverse City last weekend.  I'm pragmatic enough to realize that it would be foolish to drop a load of cash on a camera without gainful employment.  There is a small freelance cash flow in my life, as well as a couple part-time opportunities that have piqued my interest this week...still not enough to greenlight a brand new dSLR set up.  Key words in that sentence: brand new.

Since I'll be starting from square one anyways, what harm is there in a beginner like me purchasing a "pre-owned" camera body?  People are trading up camera bodies on a regular basis, and they lose value much like a car does.  Once I've mastered the learning curve and returned to a stage of gainful employment, I can join the trade-up crowd, too.  Until then, I think I've struck a nice compromise with myself.  Don't worry, Google is there to teach me what to look for when shopping for a "pre-owned" camera.  It may not be a bad idea to find an experienced user to give me some input.

No matter where I go in this world, there are remnants of Michigan in my blood.  When summer hits, those remnants become more potent and I can feel the pull.  As much as I appreciate and enjoy patio dining and street festivals in Chicago, there is something about beach towns and fresh "country" air.  Hearing Tim Allen's voice narrating odes to Pure Michigan may drive the point home, too.  Although I generally find myself eschewing advertising's effects on my attitudes and preferences (only natural when you spend six years study how to break down and analyze it), michigan.org did it right.

I'd like to formally lodge a complaint with the universe regarding the cold, gray and rain.  I want to spend time outside!  Also, the outdoors is my substitute gym membership.  It's difficult to use when everything is soggy and drab.  Ok, enough of that.

You know what I'm rather excited about?  Injecting a little Pure Michigan into my life, in the form of a long weekend.  I'll be keeping things interested with a grab bag of activities: organizing a craft room, judging figure skating, engaging in the loud madness of a family gathering, trying out some vino with Dad, and even spending quality time with my favorite Wolverine.  Yet, I fully intend to find some quiet time with nature during the lulls.  I miss seeing stars at night and getting lost in my own mind while walking in the woods.

What I really want to post a photo of isn't pretty - or allowed.  I spent a day assisting on the set of Hoarders and was informed that sharing details about the show before it airs is not copasetic.  So, let me say this: it's surreal to see something like this in person, not to mention working through it.  There are moments in time where it looks like a losing battle, you want to take off your gloves and head for the car.  Then you remember how the people who live there must feel, and you dig in and help them get their life back in shape.  As tired and sore as I am after a day, I'm going back for another.  In a different type of way than I've experienced before, I feel like I'm helping to make a difference in someone's life.  Regardless of the TV cameras involved, I have a lot of respect for the other people who are out there making this happen for this family and many others.

So, I hope you'll forgive me if my photo isn't fresh off the lens today.  It's only a few days old though, I swear.

Although I have made my way as far south as the river, I haven't actually crossed into the Loop since my last day of work in January.  Until today.  It was strange and familiar at the same time.  After lunching with my lovely ladies, I had a pressing urge to do my daily walking in new environs.  Well, "new" inasmuch as I haven't walked there every day for the past two months.


It ended up in a small-scale, Forrest Gump-like endeavor.  The sunshine and moderate temperatures beckoned me to wander over to Millenium Park.  I love to sit in the middle of natural surroundings with the city as a backdrop; there's something about the juxtaposition that's beautiful to me.  Instead of catching the bus home when I reached the north end of the park, I figured I'd walk up Michigan Avenue until a bus caught me.  Then I let that bus pass, figuring I'd wait for one at the top of the Magnificent Mile.  But when I got to that point, I figured that I had already walked at least 2.5 miles...what was another two miles?  So I trekked home in my Pumas, taking photos and soaking up the sun.  I couldn't decide on just one photo today, so I narrowed it down to four.

Since Adam Levine is on the TV screen in front of me as I type (making focus difficult), Maroon 5 lyrics containing the word "arch" couldn't help but flow through my brain.  On another, and completely divergent, topic - who turned off the heat outside?  I had to bust out the fleece again today.  I would say that seems completely illogical after wearing a swimsuit only a week ago, but this is the midwest after all.  Expect the unexpected when it comes to weather.

I'm getting closer to running out of cleaning and organization projects, which makes me begin to wonder what I'll do with my jobless time during the day.  I'll be helping my mom out with a few tasks for her side business, while she digs into that tiring intro process in her new job.  But I need a project, something to chip away at for myself.  Although I'm giving this blog my daily attention, I have another blog project that I've picked up and dropped multiple times over the past couple of years.  So, I'm thinking about bringing "Break It Down" out of retirement again.  Things to ponder.